Jan 28th

Couldn't come up with an original title for this, mainly due to the fact that I don't know what I am going to say.

My bi-polar has taken over a bit the last couple days. Three days ago I felt it creep in. Like a sneak. Something that I do not have the energy to fight off as I always knows it wins.

So it had me bed ridden. To me, my bi-polar is a thing. Manifested. Obnoxious. An enemy.
I never win. Whether on medication or not, it still creeps up and catches me off guard.

I am back on medication as I went off of it for my trip. A decision influenced from my mum's fears. I don't fear me off medications but doubt gets all in my head. I don't want to fear me. No one does. But others do. And honestly, I probably do too.
But even doped up and drugged out, I am still afraid. That my mania will isolate me. That my depression will isolate me.

For me, my bi polar has left me with one image left in my head that I can not shake. The image is that I am dying in a hospital bed, with one light bulb over my head, and there is not a noise except the machine I am attached to. There is no one beside me. And I know why. Bi-polar chased them away. Scared them off for good. I die alone. No one can handle the bi-polar so death is easy.
I wonder often if that is what will become of me.

Bucket List

• Visit every continent
• White water rafting
• Send mum & dad on a vacation
• Build a bird house
• Adopt a dog
• See Eiffel tower
• Take a cake decorating class
• Donate blood
• Meet someone famous
• Go surfing
• Go to New York City for New Years Eve
• Star wars marathon with dad (all day)
• Concert with Taren
• Polar Bear dip into the river
• Do a marathon (or a half... realistically)
• Go to whistler
• Go to Calgary Stampede with Jessica St. Onge
• Learn fluent Spanish
• Hot air balloon ride
• Learn to play "the girl" on guitar
• Eat real Japanese food in Japan
• Grand Canyon tour
• 1000 paper cranes
• Buy a random person a meal just because
• Take a photo a day for a year
• Enter a photography contest
• Go to a FIFA soccer match
• Go to Bali
• Throw a baby shower
• Graffiti a building
• See either Skrillex/Swedish House Mafia/Deadmau5 live
• Adopt a baby
• Scuba Dive

Cry it out.

People who do not deserve someone special, have someone.

People who are mean, cruel, selfish, stupid and lazy, have someone who makes them feel special, nice, kind, selfless, smart and ambitious.

I am nice. And kind. And smart. And I try really damn hard to be selfless and ambitious.
When the fuck do I get somebody?

Maybe I should be more evil. Maybe God will bring me someone then.

Head Over Heels.

here is a debacle...

If I shall ever use the term "asshole", just make the assumption I am talking about my ex T.C. I have been asshole free for a year now and that feels pretty good. My self esteem is back to normal levels, I don't cry every time I take a shower or go to bed. 12 months ago I couldn't even look at a picture of him without crumbling like a fresh cookie. Personally, I think I have come a long way since days where asshole consumed my life. That does not go without saying that I think about him every day and miss him from time to time but I thank God/Buddha/Muhammad/Whoever all the time that he is no longer in my life. Asshole treated me worse than people who hate me treated me. I guess it is safe to assume that he always hated me, even when he "loved" me.

No good things come out of reminiscing on the times where he was around. That is gone now. For good this time.

But I miss feeling in love. For quite some time now I have been quite obviously a hopeless romantic. Love is the only thing that really matters. I full heartedly believe that. Being in love is a high that no drug I have ever done has provided. Its 100% comfort. Knowing that what you feel is strong and intense and amazing but knowing that someone feels it back... That's the special part.

Everyday I secretly doubt that someone will ever feel that way about me. I am no longer consumed by Asshole being in my life, or out of it, but I am now consumed with worrying that I will be alone for life. 20 years old is not very old but this is the age to be foolish and fall in love without fear. I want that.

And I want someone to fall equally stupid in love for me.

I need a man, not a boy.

To every asshole who has made the assumption with me that a little chit chat then blatant flirting will lead to me sucking your dick, fuck you.
Since coming home from CR, there have been several boys, and I mean boys not men, have been texting me about the most superficial, obviously sexual situations ever. I cannot answer with anything with "haha" or "okayy" because I do not have the patience to lose my shit and snap because they will learn nothing from it obviously. I am not someone that you just get with. That sounds obnoxiously stuck up but it is true. I am not a whore, contrary to the reports.
This whole idea that guys have of me has gone on too long. I put a stop to it in my own way long ago by not just hooking up with any bloke. But what else does it take?

I always think about what I would do if guys said this about my daughter but maybe I should do all those things I would do for her for myself.
It isn't wrong to stick up for yourself. But why do I feel like it is?

RAWR

LOVE the fact that I am sitting at home on a Saturday night....I woke up this morning and just sensed that it was not going to be my day. People recommend that when you wake up cranky that you should try and be positive and change the outcome of your day. I tried. I really did. Gave it a valiant effort. No success. All day, a part of me has just been like "BLAH!" and no inspirational quotes or funny websites made that part cheer up. Looking at photos of Costa Rica was a deadly idea I had to lift my mood but that idea completely backfired. There was a hope that looking at me happy, feeling entirely happy, no worries, would help. Although it temporarily made me laugh, in the end I just wished I could be back in those moments with the people who were equally as happy to be there. This town is nothing like that place. This town is pretentious and dull. Hardly the heaven I was in for 5 weeks.
Dad says to just focus on moving in July but that is so far in the future. I liked when I was happy just in the moment. Happy right then and there. I do not feel like that at all now. Not today. Every energy I have to make life positive is drained by the shit these low life people throw at each other every day.
Is being a grown up not appealing to the people I went to school with? Does no one feel like childish drama is pathetic? Or am I the only one? I cannot handle these people, so next time someone asks me why I keep leaving, I will answer with "Because of people like you". Not to be rude, but just to be honest.

Confused is a little bit of an understatement

Hola. So... The last couple days have been a little challenging. I have had a friend visiting from out of town and she and I were friends since I was 8 or 9 years old and I have not seen her in 2 years so I thought this visit would be amazing. For the record, since I was 9 I have changed immensely, grown up and matured in so many ways, but I will always admit that I can grow more and I will never claim to be perfect or have mastered maturity. I have my faults. But this girl has really not changed since 2000.... She expects the world to drop when she says for it to, she temper is easily brought out, and she rarely thinks of the people around her. It really caused this huge frustration inside of me everytime she did not say thank you or demanded something. Feeling that frustrated or annoyed because of one person is a little pathetic on my part but it was just purely rude. When I dropped her off at the airport yesterday of course I was sad to see her leave, we had plenty of hilarious moments, but a part of me hopes that she does not return into my life until she realizes that people are sometimes too generous. God ! That sounds so egotistical but I think that it is really okay to say "yes, I did a lot for that person and a little gratitude would be nice." Even just a big thank you would of made it a whole lot better. Being cranky over this is a little sad. Anyways, this visit has reinstated my sense of manners and appreciation for manners in other people. WOW ! Who knew someone could be so mad over a few pleases and thank yous ?