Couldn't come up with an original title for this, mainly due to the fact that I don't know what I am going to say.
My bi-polar has taken over a bit the last couple days. Three days ago I felt it creep in. Like a sneak. Something that I do not have the energy to fight off as I always knows it wins.
So it had me bed ridden. To me, my bi-polar is a thing. Manifested. Obnoxious. An enemy.
I never win. Whether on medication or not, it still creeps up and catches me off guard.
I am back on medication as I went off of it for my trip. A decision influenced from my mum's fears. I don't fear me off medications but doubt gets all in my head. I don't want to fear me. No one does. But others do. And honestly, I probably do too.
But even doped up and drugged out, I am still afraid. That my mania will isolate me. That my depression will isolate me.
For me, my bi polar has left me with one image left in my head that I can not shake. The image is that I am dying in a hospital bed, with one light bulb over my head, and there is not a noise except the machine I am attached to. There is no one beside me. And I know why. Bi-polar chased them away. Scared them off for good. I die alone. No one can handle the bi-polar so death is easy.
I wonder often if that is what will become of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment